All my life I have had people tell me how pretty I WOULD be, if ONLY I would lose weight. As a young child I remember feeling like I must be flawed or something was terribly wrong with me. On one occasion I recall going with my mother to her friend's home, we were sitting around the table socializing when my mother's friend said to me, " Lorraine, you would be VERY pretty if you just lost 10 lbs". Wow, I was a child! Somehow I did not measure up to her expectations or other's expectations. Was I not pretty now? I remember it like it happened yesterday, we were sitting at the table with all kinds of delicate German desserts and everybody was scarfing down goodies as if it were the "last supper". My ballet teacher told my mom the same thing and my mom promptly related the message to me. As a child, your perception of yourself IS how "others" view you. Somehow, I was not quite right nor did I know how to be right, all I knew is that I just "wasn't"!! I learned how to cover up my feelings of inadequacies with laughter, trying to be forever full of fun. But a genuine sense of self, I did not have. I remain on that journey to this day to discover my self worth, that is my destiny.
As I head down the road, I will be honest with you, it IS not easy, there are days I think, what is the use? I am working on resolving this journey from the inside out and sometimes that can be darn painful. I have to accept there will be pain. I have committed myself to uncover the nitty gritty, the bad and the ugly, until I get this figured out. I am feeling vulnerable and naked, BUT it must be done in order for me to experience wholeness. As I go, I will tell you like it is, because my journey is not unlike others around me, I want you to see glimpses of your journey in mine, then we can truly help each other.
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