LOVE this quote by Thomas Edison! I also say to myself, "pick yourself up, dust your butt off and try, try again"! Wow, it has almost been 3 months since my last post, I have had several people tell me they have missed my blog, nice to be missed! I thought I would post today for those who may be able to relate to my crooked and windy path. I realize that I am not the only one that sets out on a path, only to take endless detours, tripping, falling and skinning one's self. Life is like an obstacle course, beware!!
I will be honest with all of you, I stayed away from my Blog because I felt like I had become too vulnerable. I was feeling like a failure and that I had let some of you down. I further felt like I had backed myself into a corner. Also, one misguided comment from a dear friend made me question myself altogether. So, as I sometimes do I crawled into a hole and went to a dark and scary place. I sincerely share this with you because I know there are people who can relate, I am not alone. The hole was of my own choosing. In the hole the voices came back to haunt me, "you are a failure", "you can't do anything right", "you don't deserve to be slim", and on and on and on!! I began overeating because that is HOW I have learnt to cope with undesirable thoughts and feelings. Overeating for me ALWAYS leads to low self esteem and self loathing which then sends me back on the hamster wheel for one more round.
One day with guts and grit, I jumped off the hamster wheel, believe you me it took every bit of effort I could muster cuz I certainly wasn't feeling it. I chose to jump for survival and because I believe in myself and my potential. Consequently, because I did more then a few rounds on the hamster wheel I had gained some of my weight back. In the end, that does not matter, only today and the future matter. SO I have spent the last few weeks analyzing what I need to do differently. I realized even though I am not naturally self disciplined I manage to be very disciplined, organized and efficient in my business. Could I not apply those same TOOLS on my journey to become healthy. I pulled my business apart piece by piece and I realized I had methodically built in systems within my real estate practise that ultimately have led to a thriving and successful business. If I could do that in my business, I could also BUILD systems to regain my health. In the next week or two I will share the systems I am putting into place but here is the first one that has helped tremendously. I have listened to a CD in my car without exaggeration at least 100 times in the last few weeks. The CD is to do with my self worth, being kind to "me", being mindful, being present and being gut wrenching honest. It has amazed me but each time I have listened to it I glean something new. Interestingly enough the VOICES in my head have changed, they are now kind, compassionate, gentle and loving.
I am not giving up, I have dusted myself off and I am back on the horse. Many of you have continued to love me through "thick and thin", that is the sign of true friendship. Talk to you again in a few!!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Friday, August 31, 2012
Out of my comfort zone and straight to my 40th Reunion!
Yuppers, I did it! I went to my 40th Reunion and enjoyed every minute of it. What an incredible time Tim and I had, I soaked it all in like a sponge. Like I said, in high school I was neither the prettiest, smartest, most talented or athletic, I was average. I survived my high school years rather than thoroughly enjoying the moments. So attending my reunion gave me a new understanding of myself, and has proved to be particularly helpful in my journey.
The first night I attended a cocktail party and seeing people that you hadn't seen for 40 years was quite something, a little overwhelming at first. Some classmates I confess, I did not recognize while others looked more mature but exactly the same as in high school, lucky Betty! Many of the men of course, had less hair and guess what, all the woman weren't a size 6. That night I had many wonderful conversations, one of my classmates said to me "you were just so cute in high school", wow, I never felt cute but I loved hearing it!
Saturday, we all participated in a parade hanging out on a flat bed truck going down main street. It was a riot, people yelling at us as they recognized participants, people calling us "old", or yelling out that some of us did not graduate, it was hilarious. The great thing about being older you don't take yourself too seriously any more, we already know we are OLD but we were a darn HAPPY bunch!
The MOST meaningful event and worth the whole trip for me was meeting Mr. Mc Rae. He was my classmate Cathy's dad. The night before she had mentioned to me, that she was almost certain her dad would remember my dad because they were both in the logging industry. My dad died in 1965 and when I was introduced to Mr Mc Rae the first words out of his mouth were "oh, you are Johnnie's daughter", and I immediately teared up as my dad was always affectionately known as"Johnnie". He recalled the day my dad tragically died and how he felt so bad for my mom and all six of us children. Mr. Mc Rae is 82 years old, he was the grand marshal of the parade that day, a kind and sweet man. In that moment of time he validated the HURT that I felt as a child losing my most wonderful daddy. When I lost my dad at 11years of age it was as if the wind was taken out of my sail and I was never the same. I had always been a free spirited child full of fun and laughter but when daddy died I knew of no way to handle the pain, except to turn inward and hide. My journey for restoration in my heart took another leap forward when I met Mr Mc Rae, a moment I will cherish forever.
So stepping out of my "comfort zone" continues to reap many rewards along my journey. I came back from my reunion with new friends, a deeper insight into myself and an appreciation of the little Canadian town where I spent my childhood. Life is Good!
The first night I attended a cocktail party and seeing people that you hadn't seen for 40 years was quite something, a little overwhelming at first. Some classmates I confess, I did not recognize while others looked more mature but exactly the same as in high school, lucky Betty! Many of the men of course, had less hair and guess what, all the woman weren't a size 6. That night I had many wonderful conversations, one of my classmates said to me "you were just so cute in high school", wow, I never felt cute but I loved hearing it!
Saturday, we all participated in a parade hanging out on a flat bed truck going down main street. It was a riot, people yelling at us as they recognized participants, people calling us "old", or yelling out that some of us did not graduate, it was hilarious. The great thing about being older you don't take yourself too seriously any more, we already know we are OLD but we were a darn HAPPY bunch!
The MOST meaningful event and worth the whole trip for me was meeting Mr. Mc Rae. He was my classmate Cathy's dad. The night before she had mentioned to me, that she was almost certain her dad would remember my dad because they were both in the logging industry. My dad died in 1965 and when I was introduced to Mr Mc Rae the first words out of his mouth were "oh, you are Johnnie's daughter", and I immediately teared up as my dad was always affectionately known as"Johnnie". He recalled the day my dad tragically died and how he felt so bad for my mom and all six of us children. Mr. Mc Rae is 82 years old, he was the grand marshal of the parade that day, a kind and sweet man. In that moment of time he validated the HURT that I felt as a child losing my most wonderful daddy. When I lost my dad at 11years of age it was as if the wind was taken out of my sail and I was never the same. I had always been a free spirited child full of fun and laughter but when daddy died I knew of no way to handle the pain, except to turn inward and hide. My journey for restoration in my heart took another leap forward when I met Mr Mc Rae, a moment I will cherish forever.
So stepping out of my "comfort zone" continues to reap many rewards along my journey. I came back from my reunion with new friends, a deeper insight into myself and an appreciation of the little Canadian town where I spent my childhood. Life is Good!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Yikes, my 40th year reunion!
This weekend my husband and I will be attending my 40th high school reunion. Yes, I know I look way TOO young, but it is true!! I was born in a small town in northern BC, that would also make me a Canadian, eh? I have never been to a reunion until now. I decided to go for many different reasons, but the main reason IS - I felt like it was a natural part of my journey at this time in my life. These last few years I have been trying to peal off the layers that I have cleverly put on myself, the layers are coming off gradually revealing who I really am so that I can live up to my full potential. So this weekend is a tad bit out of my comfort zone but that that seems to be where I like to hang out lately, here I go out of my comfort zone again!!
You see I "survived" high school and lived for the day that I would move on with my life. I was neither the smartest, the most beautifulest, most popular, most athletic, or the funniest or the slimmest. I wasn't the MOST at anything. In fact, I was about AVERAGE with a lot of self doubt thrown in there for good measure. When I look back, I believe some of the wind was taken out of my sail when my dad died, before he passed on I remember feeling like I had the world by its' tail. But that is the past and this is NOW.
So here I am heading to my 40th reunion with butterflies. I have barely kept up with anyone from my class except by FB. My goal this weekend is to gain a new perspective of what my high school years were really like, a new perspective of my classmates that I admired from a distance. Life in high school is such a microscopic view in perspective to the rest of our lives. Who are we all now, what are we most most proud of today, where are our children, how many glorious grandchildren do we have, what makes us happy or sad, where are you on your journey in life? I am most curious about my classmates life's since high school and that is what I look forward to hearing the most, the stories of life after high school. We will all be bonded for life because of "time" in some strange way. I long to know in a much deeper way my classmates whom I spent time with day after day, for many years. I will hear their perspective of life which will give us all a greater understanding and compassion for each other .
I am still neither the prettiest, smartest, funniest or slimmest but I am uniquely me and that is a gift I can give others. Well here I go, one more thing off my "bucket" list or should I say my "life" list!Yikes!
You see I "survived" high school and lived for the day that I would move on with my life. I was neither the smartest, the most beautifulest, most popular, most athletic, or the funniest or the slimmest. I wasn't the MOST at anything. In fact, I was about AVERAGE with a lot of self doubt thrown in there for good measure. When I look back, I believe some of the wind was taken out of my sail when my dad died, before he passed on I remember feeling like I had the world by its' tail. But that is the past and this is NOW.
So here I am heading to my 40th reunion with butterflies. I have barely kept up with anyone from my class except by FB. My goal this weekend is to gain a new perspective of what my high school years were really like, a new perspective of my classmates that I admired from a distance. Life in high school is such a microscopic view in perspective to the rest of our lives. Who are we all now, what are we most most proud of today, where are our children, how many glorious grandchildren do we have, what makes us happy or sad, where are you on your journey in life? I am most curious about my classmates life's since high school and that is what I look forward to hearing the most, the stories of life after high school. We will all be bonded for life because of "time" in some strange way. I long to know in a much deeper way my classmates whom I spent time with day after day, for many years. I will hear their perspective of life which will give us all a greater understanding and compassion for each other .
I am still neither the prettiest, smartest, funniest or slimmest but I am uniquely me and that is a gift I can give others. Well here I go, one more thing off my "bucket" list or should I say my "life" list!Yikes!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Not WILLpower as much as WHYpower!!
Often times in my life I have said to myself, if only I had enough WILLpower or only if I could muster enough determination I could do anything. I have discovered that determination works for awhile, but only in a hollow way and for short periods of time. You can force yourself by sheer WILLpower to do anything but eventually your steam runs out. In fact, it can almost be counterproductive because when you fail or slip you tend to throw in the whole baby with the bath water. Are you curious what will get you through those dark and long days? What will motivate you to stay the course, what will get you to the other side of your addiction? I believe it is your WHYpower. In other words you have to peel back the layers and come face to face on WHY you would like to accomplish your goal. When you make your WHY gigantic you learn your HOW to get there. And I mean your WHY has to be GIGANTIC! You have to see, smell and taste it.
Here are my WHYS -
1. To live a long healthy life, LONG and HEALTHY - money cannot buy that!
2. To be here for my family, specifically my husband, my children and my precious granddaughter, FAMILY is everything.
3. To be free to be ME, the true me, uninhibited by the way I look, totally confident so that I can focus on others.
4. To pursue my passion without distraction.
My list goes on, from the big WHYS to tiny baby WHYS, my WHYS are ever and always present in my mind lately. I will continue on my journey. I will make it to the other side because my WHYS are stamped on the front of my forehead. So please friends, write your list of WHYS and read your WHYS often. I even have a list of "WHAT if's", what if I didn't accomplish my goals. I have written that list to shake me into reality. What IF I did not regain my health, well, I could possibly die next year of health related complications, my family would suddenly be without me and I would never have experienced the freedom and passion of life that I SO desire. What a loss, this not a scare tactic but the reality of being overweight, it is mandatory that I face the truth AND then follow my WHYS with all of my heart!!
Let's all get off the couch and ACT on our WHYS while it is still daylight.
Here are my WHYS -
1. To live a long healthy life, LONG and HEALTHY - money cannot buy that!
2. To be here for my family, specifically my husband, my children and my precious granddaughter, FAMILY is everything.
3. To be free to be ME, the true me, uninhibited by the way I look, totally confident so that I can focus on others.
4. To pursue my passion without distraction.
My list goes on, from the big WHYS to tiny baby WHYS, my WHYS are ever and always present in my mind lately. I will continue on my journey. I will make it to the other side because my WHYS are stamped on the front of my forehead. So please friends, write your list of WHYS and read your WHYS often. I even have a list of "WHAT if's", what if I didn't accomplish my goals. I have written that list to shake me into reality. What IF I did not regain my health, well, I could possibly die next year of health related complications, my family would suddenly be without me and I would never have experienced the freedom and passion of life that I SO desire. What a loss, this not a scare tactic but the reality of being overweight, it is mandatory that I face the truth AND then follow my WHYS with all of my heart!!
Let's all get off the couch and ACT on our WHYS while it is still daylight.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Confession is good for the soul!
Hard to believe it has been almost a month since I blogged, I have missed it, I am here again. My trip to New York to visit my daughter was absolutely memorable, what an incredibly electric city.
OK, so confession is good for the soul. I have been having a struggle with my weight since I finished the Dr OZ contest. Topping it off, I enjoyed every morsel of delicious and incredible food in New York. Trisha and I like healthy, farm to table, expensive, gourmet food and restaurants with incredible atmospheres, believe you me we enjoyed dinning out immensely, all part of the experience for me. Of course, Trisha remains slim as always but I gained a few lbs back. Many times in my life I have lost weight and then gained it all back plus more SO, when I started gaining a few lbs I knew I needed to do something fast. Here is my confession - I know I have always said and been proud of the fact that I was losing weight the old fashion way, 3 square meals a day. I have realized that my journey is NOT a straight line and it often involves turns and detours, this is MY journey. I have always wanted things to fit into this neat little package but sometimes life is just not that way. My destination remains the same, to gain my health, to be fit and in best shape of my life. My determination to get there no matter how long it takes has not changed, it may waver a bit but it has never once died. After much research I have decided to try ViSalus, this is a program that is built around healthy shakes that replace some of your meals. Very difficult decision as I thought I was letting all my bloggers down. After much thought I realized all my life I have been SO worried about letting others down. Often times that feeling holds me back from doing what is BEST for me. After all, what will "they" think? I studied carefully many different programs but I liked this particular company because of the business model and the overall health of the shakes. PLUS, I get to enter a 90 day challenge, and oh, how I love competition. Competition with myself, whether I am exercising, setting personal goals or losing weight spurs me on to be better.
I found that I was needing to simplify the process. It has become increasingly difficult for me to figure out what to eat for breakfast and lunch and how many calories everything contains. My fast paced life seemed to be overwhelming when I had to think about food constantly along with everything else. The shakes I have been consuming are deliciously healthy. I add spinach, frozen fruit, kale, you name it, if it is healthy I add it. I KNOW that I am getting optimum nutrition and even my hubby is begging for them in the morning. For lunches, I had been resorting to packaged quick meals for the office which are high in sodium and low in nutrition, the shakes are such a better alternative for me.
Thanks always for your awesome support and if you ever want to taste the shakes let me know as I will be having periodic tastings at my home. Like I said, my destination remains the same, I will continue on my journey to total health and I will continue to take you with me.
OK, so confession is good for the soul. I have been having a struggle with my weight since I finished the Dr OZ contest. Topping it off, I enjoyed every morsel of delicious and incredible food in New York. Trisha and I like healthy, farm to table, expensive, gourmet food and restaurants with incredible atmospheres, believe you me we enjoyed dinning out immensely, all part of the experience for me. Of course, Trisha remains slim as always but I gained a few lbs back. Many times in my life I have lost weight and then gained it all back plus more SO, when I started gaining a few lbs I knew I needed to do something fast. Here is my confession - I know I have always said and been proud of the fact that I was losing weight the old fashion way, 3 square meals a day. I have realized that my journey is NOT a straight line and it often involves turns and detours, this is MY journey. I have always wanted things to fit into this neat little package but sometimes life is just not that way. My destination remains the same, to gain my health, to be fit and in best shape of my life. My determination to get there no matter how long it takes has not changed, it may waver a bit but it has never once died. After much research I have decided to try ViSalus, this is a program that is built around healthy shakes that replace some of your meals. Very difficult decision as I thought I was letting all my bloggers down. After much thought I realized all my life I have been SO worried about letting others down. Often times that feeling holds me back from doing what is BEST for me. After all, what will "they" think? I studied carefully many different programs but I liked this particular company because of the business model and the overall health of the shakes. PLUS, I get to enter a 90 day challenge, and oh, how I love competition. Competition with myself, whether I am exercising, setting personal goals or losing weight spurs me on to be better.
I found that I was needing to simplify the process. It has become increasingly difficult for me to figure out what to eat for breakfast and lunch and how many calories everything contains. My fast paced life seemed to be overwhelming when I had to think about food constantly along with everything else. The shakes I have been consuming are deliciously healthy. I add spinach, frozen fruit, kale, you name it, if it is healthy I add it. I KNOW that I am getting optimum nutrition and even my hubby is begging for them in the morning. For lunches, I had been resorting to packaged quick meals for the office which are high in sodium and low in nutrition, the shakes are such a better alternative for me.
Thanks always for your awesome support and if you ever want to taste the shakes let me know as I will be having periodic tastings at my home. Like I said, my destination remains the same, I will continue on my journey to total health and I will continue to take you with me.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Devastatingly disappointed and mad at myself!
Beyond disappointed, I am mad at myself -- I feel like a failure. And please excuse the language but I am really "pissed" and angry at "ME"!! What a way to start a blog, right? My blog will only be helpful to others, (and myself) if I continue to write with raw unadulterated honesty. This is a blog about "REAL" life and not a perfect world in which we all rise victorious every day. All of us know how to put on a good front for each other. We know how to appear like all is well and that we are perfectly put together with not a problem or a care in the world. And if we do have a bump in the road, we know how to give the appearance that even the bump was a breeze to get through. We hate to admit when we are angry, disappointed or frustrated. Possibly, we might admit these emotions once we are on the other side but surely NOT while we are experiencing them. I hope today some of you will find yourself within the words of my blog. Life is not perfect and sometimes it is downright unfair and sad. Today I am disappointed and angry with myself. In that disappointment I have become acutely aware of my shortcomings, imperfections and what really lies beneath.
I will tell you my story without fear of judgement because this is "my story" and this is how I feel. I remind myself often that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just ARE. I want to feel the pain without glossing over it with a bible verse, or giving myself a pat answer or telling myself "things are the way they are meant to be". I just want to FEEL rather than HIDE.
I first began my blog when I entered the Dr Oz Transformation Nation contest. I wanted to "feel like a million" as he said, and the added bonus of a stack of cash didn't hurt either. As I went on my journey I felt myself dig deeper and deeper for strength to conquer some of my demons. I believed with all my heart that I could do it just as well as anyone else could. I worked on my eating, my emotional well being, strategized my exercising and I started to see real progress. I thought to myself, "well, someone has to win, why not me"? I felt like setting the "goal" to win would be the catalyst to transforming myself, habits and behaviors. I And yes, it worked like no other time in my life. As I blogged. I opened the inner part of my heart and soul where healing needed to take place. I knew the first part of the contest would be judged 60% on weight loss, 20% on my online social networking and 20% on the final quiz. I knew I would have little problem with the weight loss if I put my nose to the grindstone, networking would be a breeze but the dreaded final quiz was the unknown for me.
I have many gifts and wonderful qualities as a person BUT academics is not my strong suit. If I received a "B" in school I was thrilled. I hated tests with a passion and when taking tests I would sweat bullets. I always felt like they must be "trick" questions. I was sent the final quiz for the Dr Oz contest on a day that I least expected it and I froze. At first I thought, "I could actually go to another computer and look everything up on line but quite adamantly I said to myself, "Lorraine, you are always looking for a short cut, or cheating, (as in eating) you need to be honest and just take the test", so I continued on. I answered 3 of the 10 questions correctly. As usual they seemed tricky to me and I panicked. In that moment I knew I had blown it. I guess I didn't think about it much over the next few weeks until I saw the final 10 wonderful finalists and I realized I honestly had had a very good shot at being in the finals. I blew it and it felt like the story of my life. Here is my struggle, I rushed into taking the quiz without even putting any thought into strategy and there lies one of my flaws. I tend to react and THINK later. What in the world would be so wrong with looking some things up on line, surely, I knew others had the same opportunity. Somehow did I want to sabotage myself because I didn't believe I was worthy of winning? I realize that somehow I feel I am not worthy, I am not rich enough, smart enough or beautiful enough to actually be validated. I believe I am worthy in my conscious mind but how about my sub conscious mind. I am struggling with anger because I feel like I let everybody in my life down. I know it isn't true but that is how I am feeling.
I called my daughter today. I needed to just hear her voice. She is my closest friend and a "girl", she always helps me to put my issues into perspective. She has a very level head, unlike her mom. I wept and it felt good, she listened when I said I was angry at myself. Trisha never makes judgment calls, her greatest gift to me is her ability to almost "feel" my pain right along side of me. She told me I needed to BLOG because if I was "real" enough about what I was feeling it could quite possibly help someone else going through their own pain and feeling their own failures.
So this is my first step in forgiving myself. I am disappointed and angry with myself but I know forgiveness and compassion for myself will come in time. I thank each of you for your awesome support and words of encouragement, you are my friends. Life is not about being perfect or everything fitting into a neat little package, it is about being REAL, warts and all!
I would love to hear from any of you who may want to share some of your darkest moments. I want to encourage, inspire and LISTEN to you. We are in this together!
I will tell you my story without fear of judgement because this is "my story" and this is how I feel. I remind myself often that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just ARE. I want to feel the pain without glossing over it with a bible verse, or giving myself a pat answer or telling myself "things are the way they are meant to be". I just want to FEEL rather than HIDE.
I first began my blog when I entered the Dr Oz Transformation Nation contest. I wanted to "feel like a million" as he said, and the added bonus of a stack of cash didn't hurt either. As I went on my journey I felt myself dig deeper and deeper for strength to conquer some of my demons. I believed with all my heart that I could do it just as well as anyone else could. I worked on my eating, my emotional well being, strategized my exercising and I started to see real progress. I thought to myself, "well, someone has to win, why not me"? I felt like setting the "goal" to win would be the catalyst to transforming myself, habits and behaviors. I And yes, it worked like no other time in my life. As I blogged. I opened the inner part of my heart and soul where healing needed to take place. I knew the first part of the contest would be judged 60% on weight loss, 20% on my online social networking and 20% on the final quiz. I knew I would have little problem with the weight loss if I put my nose to the grindstone, networking would be a breeze but the dreaded final quiz was the unknown for me.
I have many gifts and wonderful qualities as a person BUT academics is not my strong suit. If I received a "B" in school I was thrilled. I hated tests with a passion and when taking tests I would sweat bullets. I always felt like they must be "trick" questions. I was sent the final quiz for the Dr Oz contest on a day that I least expected it and I froze. At first I thought, "I could actually go to another computer and look everything up on line but quite adamantly I said to myself, "Lorraine, you are always looking for a short cut, or cheating, (as in eating) you need to be honest and just take the test", so I continued on. I answered 3 of the 10 questions correctly. As usual they seemed tricky to me and I panicked. In that moment I knew I had blown it. I guess I didn't think about it much over the next few weeks until I saw the final 10 wonderful finalists and I realized I honestly had had a very good shot at being in the finals. I blew it and it felt like the story of my life. Here is my struggle, I rushed into taking the quiz without even putting any thought into strategy and there lies one of my flaws. I tend to react and THINK later. What in the world would be so wrong with looking some things up on line, surely, I knew others had the same opportunity. Somehow did I want to sabotage myself because I didn't believe I was worthy of winning? I realize that somehow I feel I am not worthy, I am not rich enough, smart enough or beautiful enough to actually be validated. I believe I am worthy in my conscious mind but how about my sub conscious mind. I am struggling with anger because I feel like I let everybody in my life down. I know it isn't true but that is how I am feeling.
I called my daughter today. I needed to just hear her voice. She is my closest friend and a "girl", she always helps me to put my issues into perspective. She has a very level head, unlike her mom. I wept and it felt good, she listened when I said I was angry at myself. Trisha never makes judgment calls, her greatest gift to me is her ability to almost "feel" my pain right along side of me. She told me I needed to BLOG because if I was "real" enough about what I was feeling it could quite possibly help someone else going through their own pain and feeling their own failures.
So this is my first step in forgiving myself. I am disappointed and angry with myself but I know forgiveness and compassion for myself will come in time. I thank each of you for your awesome support and words of encouragement, you are my friends. Life is not about being perfect or everything fitting into a neat little package, it is about being REAL, warts and all!
I would love to hear from any of you who may want to share some of your darkest moments. I want to encourage, inspire and LISTEN to you. We are in this together!
Friday, May 4, 2012
"Spoiled little girl" versus "Grown up girl".
We have all heard the expression it is not about the "destination" but it is about the "journey". And although I long to be a healthy 120 lbs, look like a model and wear a bathing suit with confidence, deep down I know, it REALLY is about the journey. The journey either will make me or break me. Difficulties actually give my life substance and meaning. Obstacles can be blessings in disguise. In physical exercise you need resistance to build muscle. In the same way I need resistance, obstacles and difficult times to build my muscles that are needed to lose my weight and keep it off for a lifetime. I long for a "quick fix", take a pill before I go to bed and wake up looking drop dead gorgeous and curvy, or take a pill and still be able to eat anything and everything I want. I want life to be easy peasy but in my "heart of hearts" I know, I will only have purposeful meaning in my life by going through the difficult times and developing my own will power, determination and discipline. I am looking for meaningful purpose and it is not found by a life of ease without resistance or obstacles, it is found in conquering our fears, challenges and taking risks. In the past I have thought of myself as a spoiled child, wanting everything wonderful but without the cost. I have often found myself with the inability to say "no" to food or anything I desire, after all I deserve it and I want it NOW. Yet, on the other hand I have a hard time saying "yes" to eating disciplined and exercising. Sounds like a "spoiled little girl" to me. Time to grow up and continue on my journey. Without any kind of a quick fix, I continue on with grit, determination and discipline. These last weeks have been difficult but that IS what will make me strong. Tomorrow, I run/walk my second 5K, I am thrilled and I know the "spoiled little girl" will want to quit at some point but the "grown up girl" will survive and be victorious. I am 45 lbs lighter and continue to "get comfortable" with being "uncomfortable".
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