A couple hard days but back on road again!

I have always struggled with the ALL or NOTHING mentality. If I can't do things perfectly then why even bother, this is faulty thinking. I mentioned in a previous blog, I once fell off my "diet wagon" after losing 25 lbs simply because I ate a "cookie crumb" which caused me to sprial back to my old eating patterns, I ended up gaining all my weight back and more, it started with just a "crumb", crazy huh!

These last weeks have been filled with much emotion. A week ago the Dr Oz contest ended and then over the weekend our family held my brother's Memorial. I entered Dr Oz contest knowing that I would have very little chance of winning since there were over 1.2 millions entries BUT somehow that carrot helped me to continue to push myself, keep me blogging and kept me on track. So between the contest ending and all the emotion of my brother's memorial  I was bound to have a set back. I knew it would be coming and it did. Monday and Tuesday of this week were very difficult days for me. I wanted to revert back to old, comfortable and soothing habits both in eating and a "lack" of exercise. For two days I felt sorry for myself, (always with a smile on my face though), I did not exercise and filled my tummy with more food then it needed. Then the voices came back," see, you can't do it", you are doomed to be overweight" and "you don't deserve to be slim", those darn voices dragged on for hours, even worse, I was listening. Fortunately, during my journey with blogland and you, my friends, I have learned many things about myself that our invaluable. I have learned that I will fall sometimes, it is inevitable. For me to expect myself to NEVER have a bad day or make an unwise choice is unrealistic. I need to give myself grace just like I do for others in my life. The solution is; when I trip or fall, I need to pick myself up quicker, dust myself off, smile, even laugh and continue on. Life and human behavior are never going to be perfect but "giving up" is never an option.

On Wednesday, I made myself take a run around the lake even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. Amazingly enough, the minute I felt the wind on my face about 200 yards into my jog, the FOG completely lifted in my head. The fresh air, music in my ears and just moving my body, energized me physically and emotionally almost instantaneoulsy.

I KNOW with certainty I am going to have bad days. This is a struggle I will face the rest of my life. But I refuse to give up!! I am a GOOD person, my self worth is not based on perfect behavior but on who I am. This journey is about progression NOT perfection!  I am back on the road again, taking one day at a time and thankful that I had a set back!  "WHY"? you ask, because  I dusted myself off faster then ever before and that is amazing progression for me! 

No judgement day or how about a no judgement lifestyle!!

I have previously mentioned I was born naturally happy, I have the ability to almost always look at the bright side of every situation. I seldom get down in the dumps or feel sorry for myself for very long. Because this is my natural inclination it is like finger nails on a chalkboard when I am around negative people that grumble. As I have gotten older I have purposely distanced myself from negative and judgemental people. I have better things to do with my life. Judgemental, negative people can zap the energy right out of me, I am not about to give them that power. I particularly have a problem with people who are judgemental, oh no, I am judging the judgers!! When I see judgement and disapproval in another person's face, I run quickly. 

Not one of us knows what it is like to walk in another person's shoes. All of us face circumstances that are difficult at times and all of us respond differently. I remember when Albert and Rita went missing last year,  I was driving on the freeway looking at the cars and people around me thinking "they don't know my heart is broken in a billion pieces, how can they go on with their own lives as if nothing happened." Suddenly, I stopped in my tracks,  I realized as I looked into the cars and saw faces of sadness, stress, exhaustion, happiness and many other emotions, I too, did not know what their life was like or what difficult situation they were facing. Maybe someone in their family had cancer, or possibly they were going through a divorce or possibly they may not have enough money to pay their mortgage. It is so easy to get wrapped up  in our own world and begin judging others but each one of us deserve grace and mercy every day. It is so easy in our pride to think we are somehow better then others or our opinion is the right opinion. We judge others for their religious beliefs, politics, color of skin, economic status, size, clothes you name it, we judge!! We judge because we actually feel insecure about ourselves. It is our false effort to reassure ourselves that we are OK. We also judge ourselves saying "well that was stupid", "you can't ever lose weight", "you are a failure", "how can anybody love you", the tape recorder keeps going. Well, my challenge to each of us is to not only have a "no judgement day" but strive to have a "no judgement lifestyle". Accept and respect others and yourself and the world will be a better place, guaranteed. Give grace to others and celebrate our differences for that is what makes this world go around.

I now have my first 5K under my belt and my second one is scheduled. My new mantra is "get comfortable with being uncomfortable", I repeat this when I get exhausted and want to quit running around our lake, amazingly enough, it keeps me going and going ...

Counting the milestones ...

Today, looking out my window at my office the sky is a brilliant blue and the sun is shining. Sunshine does my soul good, especially here in the Pacific Northwest. I realize too, that I am not only happy with the outside weather but I am increasingly content with what has been happening inside of me. As I continue on my journey I thought I would pause to look back and reflect on how far I have come since Sept of 2011. Just a few minutes ago as I was standing at the printer I suddenly realized my black trousers were beginning to sag on me A LOT, a reminder of my 40 lb lost, that feels darn good, although not so good if my pants should drop to my knees. That would not be a pretty sight! Two days ago, I went into my closet and tried on a "just in case" pair of jeans and they FIT (they still had the tags on them from 3 or 4 yrs ago), I was ecstatic. I have lost over 7 inches on my waist and 7 on my hips. Inside, I am more peaceful and content  then ever before in my life. I have walked this journey from the inside and out and I am starting to notice that it has affected many areas of my life. I have a very calming and gentle peace about my childhoodd now, I am thankful for every experience that has brought me to TODAY. I am less stressed, sleep better and I live in the PRESENT, listening and observing life in its simplicity. I am more aware of my surroundings. I appreciate myself and I know I have value, my self worth has increased by ten fold. I am not so hurried and panicked, which is an accomplishment for a type A person. I no longer feel the need to text at the stop signs, or feel the need to call someone the minute they call me. I care less about the "theys" in my world and I care more about my family and genuine friends. I journal often about my progress, in fact, this Blog is my journal. When choosing food I try to make healthy, organic choices because I want the best fuel possible for my body because I am worth it. I look for ways to exercise in the simplest ways, such as  floor exercise while watching TV, squats while brushing my teeth. I can even do housework aerobically, working up a sweat, it looks kind of crazy but it works. Once in awhile my dog Bailey looks at me like he is terrified as I dance and run around the house, he is worried he might get in the way of the lunatic. I have signed up for a 5 K run/walk or ROCK as I call it at the end of this month, can you believe it. I jump out of bed and sing at the top of my lungs silly made up songs. I have more energy then I have had in years. I dream more than ever before, I dream of taking ballroom dancing and gliding across the floor looking smashingly feminine. I want to try kite surfing, parachuting, hiking, skiing, you name it. I want to be a participant and not a bystander any longer. I feel alive!


Yes, the journey is taking time but I have time. It is about a healthy lifestyle rather than a diet. I have lost weight previously by fasting for 3 weeks, drinking shakes, Jenny Craig, Nutri System, even Weight Watchers only to gain my weight back. This time I have literally dug deep and done surgery on myself, as painful as it has been, it has been twice as rewarding. I know I will see this journey through I have no doubt, always before I have had doubt but NOT this time, none whatsoever. Because this time it is about lifestyle and self worth. Some evenings I can hardly wait to go to sleep so I can wake up the next morning because my life is SO good! And one of my very biggest dreams is to inspire and encourage others who find themselves overweight, defeated and hopeless. If I can do this one step at a time, you can too, guaranteed!

35 years with the SAME man and still going ...

Oh, this is so much fun, I get to write about my husband and he is on the other side of the world in the Caribbean, so far away! He is instructing boating classes, the poor soul. He has always said to me, "are you ever going to write about me in your blog, if you do let them know how wonderful it is to be married to me?" Well, let the party begin!  He is long gone and I am at my computer and I am feeling inspired. Yes, I have been married to my dear, patient husband for 35 years! Can you believe that, I cannot possibly be that old.


Tim and I were married in another lifetime in northern British Columbia. Oh yes, we were in love but we both were so young and naive. We thought how simple is this, we just get married, live happily ever after and ride off into the sunset on white horses. Right, all you married folks out there know how that goes! Shortly after we were married, Tim came home one evening and I was all dolled up ready to "hit the little northern town" but Tim said he did not want to go out in the evenings because he was too tired from working long days. Well, shut the door!! No one had told me that my husband would not be willing to do everything I wanted to do. So the battle between our "wills" began...


Often times I had heard that you need to meet each other 50/50 or two halves make a whole. But I long ago realized that just wasn't true. In order to be a good partner you need to be WHOLE all by your lonesome. In many of our years of marriage I have not been 100% whole or for that matter Tim either. When you are not whole as a person you look to your partner to "complete you", and guess what people, we are the only ones who can make ourselves whole. No one else can possibly complete us. There were years in our marriage that I thought we will never make it, the stress of children, (love you Trisha and TJ), life, money and how we spent our time, those challenges seemed insurmountable. Yes, there were days I wanted to walk out the door and never come back and I am certain Tim felt the same way. We had a few "knock down drag out"s because we were both SO very stubborn. But somehow through tooth and nail we have made it. Both of us have mellowed out and there is no JOY in winning, just to win anymore. The glorious revelation is this; when you work on yourself rather than the other person, life just gets a heck of a lot better.


As women, we want to feel safe, safe physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally with our husbands.We want to know that they "have our backs", (poor Sandra Bullock). These last few years I can honestly say they have been the BEST of our lives, (still love you TJ and Trisha, those were good years mostly, too). Tim and I are each other's best friend. We are satisfied with simple pleasures in life and I feel 100% safe. Did it come easy, absolutely not, but is it worth it YES!

Let me tell you how wonderful my husband really is; he has loved me through THICK and thin, literally, (well not too much thin)! He loved me when I was at my top weight of 275 lbs (ashamed, but not hiding a thing from my blog friends). I have a gift that I want to give Tim wholeheartedly and that is a thin and healthy wife. As I continue on my journey of self worth there are some amazing changes taking place inside. When you truly feel your own self worth you suddenly want to give more to others, it's as if your eyes are opened. You want to be kinder, more compassionate and empathetic with everyone you meet. I look at my husband, my children and my granddaughter and I realize the best gift I can give them is to demonstrate my  love for them by continuing on my journey to a healthy weight. That way, we can enjoy life's blessings together for years to come. By the way Tim (cuz I know you are reading this), I love you forever and always, thanks for standing by me through thick and soon to be THIN!

Confessions and Revelations from my clothes closet

I was blessed this last month with the sweet and beautiful  presence of my daughter for four weeks while she worked on two of her up and coming writing projects. Trisha and I are extremely close, we are like best friends, two peas in a pod. We love to laugh until we are rolling on the floor about the most mundane and silly things. We love to shop, drink lattes,  talk deeply about matters of the heart, eat good food, drink wine (although I never had even a glass while she was here because of my commitment, a sacrifice for sure) and we both adore our dogs. She has great fashion style (as noted by the above picture, lol!) and I trust her instinctively. I decided to ask her for her honest opinion on all my clothes in my closet, of course she was more than happy to provide her voice. I somehow had lost my sense of style, I could not even tell if my clothes were the latest fashion or more appropriate for a masquerade party. Well, we dumped every single garment from my closet on the bed until my master bed was overflowing with every color, size and style imaginable. I tried every single article on, or at least attempted to put it on. I had many varying sizes because of the fluctuation of my weight over the years. I thought she would hate most of my clothes but to her surprise and mine she liked most of what I had it my closet. All except for a few articles of clothing, and with those particular pieces she was quite expressive. "Mom, that is horrendous, or that is horrific, do not go out of the house with that on I beg you, run, burn it, throw it in the garbage bag, quickly! We howled until the tears rolled down our cheeks.


Trisha then asked me a very revealing question, "mom, you have some great clothes, why in the world do you wear the same 2 or 3 outfits over and over again"? I was deep in thought as she organized my whole closet with sweaters, jackets, pants, shells etc in perfect order. She then pulled out different pieces and showed me how to pair items together, I was flabbergasted,  she created perfectly and beautiful coordinated outfits in just moments. It was like watching one of those reality shows, except neither one of us were getting paid.


So the BIG question loomed and rattled in my head for days. Why was I wearing the same couple of outfits over and over again. Here is my confession. I had literally boxed myself into a hole, did not feel good about myself and had become complacent with a "what's the use" attitude. Why, would I spend much time picking out an outfit when I felt ugly anyways. Yes, I could look nice for my clients but they didn't see me everyday either. One day after Trisha left for New York, I made myself spend time in my closet just observing and taking note of my clothes. I began to notice stains on more than few different blouses. I am ashamed that I did not even take the time to properly care for my clothes. I had become lazy about how I looked and my personal care. Why, because I felt like there was no use, no hope, I was doomed. I did not like myself or how I looked. I have been on this road of discovery along with you for many months now and this particular lesson hurt when I took the time to be honest.


But self discovery is inspiring and being aware allows us to change. I am not proud of my lack of personal care in the past but I do know I am not alone. I will not hide the truth, some of you can relate. The above story is only "where" I came from not "where" I find myself today. Today, I am energized with a belief that I am valuable, unique, loving, kind and compassionate human being. In fact, I rather like myself now!! Each day I bounce out of bed with anticipation of what I am going to wear that day, I bounce out faster now with 38 lbs long gone. As I look down the road on my journey I see my daughter waiting for me in New York. When I arrive we will "shop until we drop" looking for new clothes for my "girlish" new figure. We will laugh, cry, drink wine together and celebrate. That will be a day to remember!

Continuing to face my past

My mother actually gave birth to 7 children, however, my little brother Raymond who was two years younger than me, died, just before his first birthday from a hole in his heart. Even at my young age of 3 years old I somehow thought it was my fault. My mother often talked to me about not putting plastic bags in his crib, she told me he could suffocate, I wondered somehow at 3 if I had placed a bag in his crib by mistake. I remember feeling such sadness when Raymond died. I had SO loved to make him smile and laugh in his crib, he loved to giggle just like me. To this day I am not sure how this childhood incident affected my life. This is my journey so I am still figuring things out. Discovery is a good road to be on.

 I was in the middle of the pack in birth order. My brother Albert was two years older than me. OK, the tears are beginning to come, which is quite alright, they need to come. As many of you know my brother has been missing for almost a year, if you do not know the story you may "Google it" - Albert and Rita Chretien. Rita was miraculously found after 49 days and is a JOY to our family, a true inspiration. My brother Albert has not been found or any signs of clothing or remains. It breaks all of our hearts. I had learned over the years to appreciate Albert's compassionate heart for others and his integrity which was evident in every area of his life. However, Albert loved to tease me as a child. I often wondered if he acted out because he missed his dad, just like me. But it became his mission to make me cry or irritate me, either by teasing or tickling me until I would almost throw up. One day he chased me around the whole block with a snake that he wanted to put down my top, I never knew I could run so fast. He called me "fatty, fatty two by four, can't get through the bathroom door" over and over again. My mother didn't stop him, I think she thought it might make me tough. My dad and I had always shared a love of ice cream and each night I would join him with my bowl. He taught me to churn my ice cream until it was like a thick smoothie. Fondly looking back, eating ice cream with my daddy was one of my favorite childhood memories. After daddy died I began to eat in SECRET, especially anything that contained sugar. I ate fatting food in secret so as not to feel shame or to be teased. Many, many nights I took ice cream down to my room and hid the empty bowls under my bed. In the morning I would sneak up the stairs and quickly wash the bowls so no one would know. It was my dirty little secret. All my life I have hidden food, eating and binging while no one was looking, I was fearful of their scorn. Overeating became my drug of choice to numb my pain or possibly a way to express anger, not sure exactly, I am still discovering "me". No neat little package here.

 About 4 or 5 years ago, Albert and I talked about his constant teasing. He asked me to forgive him, in his own quirky way. My daughter who was there, has reminded me of this moment often. I hold on to that moment, all the time realizing that Albert was “just” being a kid. I miss my beloved brother more than I could ever imagine but I know without a doubt he would be proud of me. He would encourage me on my journey. I know he is looking down on me and he is saying with his impish grin, “I am proud of you Lorraine, I know you can do it because you are lovable and worthy." KLEENEX please!

Facing and conquering my demons

Writing this blog in some strange way has become therapy for me.  I understand completely that healing only begins with raw, unadultered honesty. As I write my thoughts about my journey I have uncovered truths about myself a long the way that I have openly shared with people out there in "blogland". It has not always been easy, in fact, there have been times the tears have rolled down my cheeks as I have stared at my computer viewing what I had written. Today's blog will be a very difficult blog for me to write, but I "must" put "pen" or "fingers to my keyboard" to express my thoughts to continue my journey of healing. In fact, depending on how far I get this may be a continuing blog until I feel I have sufficiently expressed my thoughts and raised my awareness of some of my past demons.

I was raised with five siblings, all of us starkly different from each other. I understand that even though we were raised together, our perception of our childhood will not necessarily be alike depending on various circumstances or pecking order. These are my thoughts and my perceptions from my "little girl" eyes. I was extremly close to my dad who died suddenly when I was 11 years old. I was absolutely devastated when he was killed in a tragic logging accident. Although I am now 57 yrs old, I can remember the day like it was yesterday, the thought of that day can still bring me to tears. I remember sitting on my dad's lap at breakfast that fateful morning and hugging him goodbye, only to never see him again. Daddy and I were similar, we spoke the same language. He was affectionate, warm and his eyes always smiled when I told him about my day. I would say funny things and he would laugh, often times he would tell my mom I was the "happy" child of the family. I never felt disapproval from my dad, only love and mutual admiration.

I loved my mom too, although she was not affectionate or necessarily warm. My mother was raised herself without affection so it was difficult for her to give affection or any kind of a compliment, after all we certainly did not want to be "proud". My mother came from a home with extreme rules and restrictions.  In the last years before my mom passed on, we would hold her down to give her a hug or squeeze. It became a game and she loved every minute of it. My mother sacrificed greatly for all of us children after daddy died. I will be forever grateful to her for her sacrificial love.

OK, I guess there will have to be a Part II in a few days. Part II will be about my journey after my father died. You will begin to understand how I began to use food immediately after he died to feed my loneliness, feel comforted and to feel "in control." Stay tuned ...