Devastatingly disappointed and mad at myself!

Beyond disappointed, I am mad at myself -- I feel like a failure. And please excuse the language but I am really "pissed" and angry at "ME"!! What a way to start a blog, right?  My blog will only be helpful to others, (and myself) if I continue to write with raw unadulterated  honesty. This is a blog about "REAL" life and not a perfect world in which we all rise victorious every day. All of us know how to put on a good front for each other. We know how to appear like all is well and that we are perfectly put together with not a problem or a care in the world. And if we do have a bump in the road, we know how to give the appearance that even the bump was a breeze to get through. We hate to admit when we are angry, disappointed or frustrated. Possibly, we might admit these emotions once we are on the other side but surely NOT while we are experiencing them. I hope today some of you will find yourself within the words of my blog. Life is not perfect and sometimes it is downright unfair and sad. Today I am disappointed and angry with myself. In that disappointment I have become acutely aware of my shortcomings, imperfections and what really lies beneath.


I will tell you my story without fear of judgement because this is "my story" and this is how I feel. I remind myself often that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just ARE. I want to feel the pain without  glossing over it with a bible verse, or giving myself a pat answer or telling myself  "things are the way they are meant to be". I just want to FEEL rather than HIDE.


I first began my blog when I entered the Dr Oz Transformation Nation contest. I wanted to "feel like a million" as he said, and the added bonus of a stack of cash didn't hurt either. As I went on my journey I felt myself dig deeper and deeper for strength to conquer some of my demons. I believed with all my heart that I could do it just as well as anyone else could. I worked on my eating, my emotional well being, strategized my exercising and I started to see real progress. I thought to myself, "well, someone has to win, why not me"? I felt like setting the "goal" to win would be the catalyst to transforming myself, habits and behaviors. I And yes, it worked like no other time in my life. As I blogged. I opened the inner part of my heart and soul where healing needed to take place. I knew the first part of the contest would be judged 60% on weight loss, 20% on my  online social networking and 20% on the final quiz. I knew I would have little problem with the weight loss if I put my nose to the grindstone, networking would be a breeze but the dreaded final quiz was the unknown for me. 

I have many gifts and wonderful qualities as a person BUT academics is not my strong suit. If I received a "B" in school I was thrilled. I hated tests with a passion and when taking tests I would sweat bullets. I always felt like they must be "trick" questions. I was sent the final quiz for the Dr Oz  contest on a day that I least expected it and I froze. At first I thought, "I could actually go to another computer and look everything up on line but quite adamantly I said to myself,  "Lorraine, you are always looking for a short cut, or cheating, (as in eating) you need to be honest and just take the test", so I continued on. I answered 3 of the 10 questions correctly. As usual they seemed tricky to me and I panicked. In that moment I knew I had blown it. I guess I didn't think about it much over the next few weeks until I saw the final 10 wonderful finalists and I realized I honestly had had a very good shot at being in the finals. I blew it and it felt like the story of my life. Here is my struggle, I rushed into taking the quiz without even putting any thought into strategy and there lies one of my flaws. I tend to react and THINK later. What in the world would be so wrong with looking some things up on line, surely, I knew others had the same opportunity. Somehow did I want to sabotage myself because I didn't believe I was worthy of winning? I realize that somehow I feel I am not worthy, I am not rich enough, smart enough or beautiful enough to actually be validated. I believe I am worthy in my conscious mind but how about my sub conscious mind. I am struggling with anger because I feel like I let everybody in my life down. I know it isn't true but that is how I am feeling.


I called my daughter today. I needed to just hear her voice. She is my closest friend and a "girl", she always helps me to put my issues into perspective. She has a very level head, unlike her mom.  I wept and it felt good, she listened when I said I was angry at myself. Trisha never makes judgment calls, her greatest gift to me is her ability to almost "feel" my pain right along side of me. She told me I needed to BLOG because if I was "real" enough about what I was feeling it could quite possibly help someone else going through their own pain and feeling their own failures.


So this is my first step in forgiving myself.  I am disappointed and angry with myself but I know forgiveness and compassion for myself will come in time. I thank each of you for your awesome support and words of encouragement, you are my friends. Life is not about being perfect or everything fitting into a neat little package, it is about being REAL, warts and all!

I would love to hear from any of you who may want to share some of your darkest moments. I want to encourage, inspire and LISTEN to you. We are in this together!